Gam
by InkSpectrum
Summary: SADSTUCK! (rated M for cursing) Gamzee shares his thoughts on his old man.


Gamzee: Thoughts on Goatdad ==

A/N: Hulloo! Spectrum is back and she tried to write a sadstuck! (it ain't the best but oh well :\) Homestuck and its characters belong to Andrew Hussie.

Hey ya'll. You guys mind listenin' to a brother's grievances for a bit, I can't find Karbro anywhere. Okay well, I got some old beef with my old man that I gotta air out.

Don't get me wrong, I love that motherfucker as much as a troll should love a lusus. I just… He don't seem to love me back… I don't know what I did to make him motherfucking leave me. It wasn't always this shitty though. This all up and started sweeps before my sixth wrigglin' day.

I was just outta the birthin' caverns. I see this bitchtits lookin' lusus, so I go and try to talk to the motherfucker. The guy looks down at tiny me and lets out this loud, and mirthful baa-aa-a. I'm all like "woah, brohoohaha that's some wicked honkin' ya got there" except all grub-like. After that he watched over me, like a motherfucking guardian angel from the mirthful messiahs. He'd all up and keep me from trouble and hurtin' myself and shit, and I'd try to do well in the short time I was bein' schoolfed.

Then two sweeps later he said he had to go do some official sea goat shit and would be back soon. I didn't know that soon meant be motherfucking months at a time. When his big ol' self would wash up on shore, I'd run like hell to him, and give him a bear hug. He'd always bleat at me as an apology and bring me some pretty motherfucking sweet stuff. He'd stay with me for like three weeks and bleat me to sleep just before the day he'd set off to do whatever the hell he did.

As months passed he started to neglect poor tiny me. He'd show up for only a few days at a time, bleat me to sleep, and leave for a long ass motherfucking time. Eventually he stopped bleating and just leave without lettin' a brother know. This was some really heavy shit to put on a three sweep old, so I started to eat my motherfucking spoor, 'cause you know. That shit is supposed to be soothing to a troll's bothered thinkpan.

The next time goatdad got back I was high as the Messiahs. That was when goatdad started to become cold as a motherfucker to me. He'd leave for an unholy amount of time and come back just to condescend the fuck out of me. I swear he was better at this than the motherfuckin' Condesce, and he didn't even speak the Empress's Troll-English. He'd come back with shit from other places and compare me to other indigo bloods. He'd glare at me and his eyes always carried a hate message. His seeing orbs always said "You're motherfucking useless. You don't compare to the other trolls. They're so much better than a motherfucker like you. At least they have enough thinkpan to not eat spoor."

While he was sayin' all these heretic things to me, I was thinkin' "Bitch, do you know how hard I work to make yo' ass proud? No you don't, cause you're too motherfuckin' busy scoping out these all these mirthless other motherfucking trolls." I didn't say anything because I thought that I could still heal all this hating if I kept trying. So I did. I stopped eating my sopor. I cleaned the hive, baked some wicked delicious pasteries I even went back to being schoolfed for a little, and I did a bitchtits job with grades and shit, but they kicked my ass out for being too "vulgar". I'm pretty motherfuckin' sure that they just jealous of all this mirth I got.

Hehe.

But even then goatdad still thought I wasn't high enough for him. Kept telling me I needed to do something that isn't completely useless and told me about some other indigo motherfucker he met on his journey who was waaaaay better than me in every way.

He told me that I was inferior.

HE UP AND TOLD HIS OWN MOTHERFUCKIN KID THAT HE WAS INFERIOR.

He left again after that. The way he always did. Silently, and coldly, leaving behind a troll that thought the whole world's miracles about him. That was when shit hit the fan. I trashed the hive that morning, holes in the wall and broken horns and shit, screaming blasphemies in pure rage and self hatin'. I don't remember what happened after I trashed my place, just that some neighbors went missing or some shit like that.

He'd left me alone for two sweeps. Sometimes he'd show up for an hour late into the morning when he thought I was getting my snooze on. I think he was just checking to see if I died or if I was finally showing some sort of improvement. But anyway, around my fifth wriggling day (I started meeting the gang a few months before) goatdad showed up when I was actually awake. I was still high as a motherfucker though. He came back to see if I was fillin' my quadrants yet. I was all like "hell yeah motherfucker I got this potential moirail and matesprite lined up, and it's all goin gravy with them so far." Goatdad huffed and let out this sick bleat saying that I had finally done something useful. He stayed with me for half a sweep to see how that hearts diamonds thing was gonna turn out. He left just before my sixth wriggling day saying that I was taking too long. This time how he left was different.

I took a mid-night nap with him. He was curled around me nuzzling my face. I remember having the most mirthful dreams during that nap. During the middle of one of the dreams I heard the wicked bleating that I used to hear as a kid, and something soft nuzzling my face. I thought of it as some weird dream shit and went with the flow. I woke up to see the sun coming up and goatdad gone. I ran into my respite block and looked out of my window to see a big ass face drawn into the sand ":o)".

I didn't get any sleep that night as I thought about some seriously complex, and emotional business.

…

Now that I think about it. If goatdad did stop loving me he had all the reasons to. Just look at me. I'm a huge fuck up. I killed two of my friends, decapitated the dead rest of them, made out with my flush-crush's miraculous severed head, and I'm hate dating my moirail's old flush, even if I know that it would hurt the poor little motherfucker bad. I am a very broken troll, and I can't find enough strength to mend myself.

Fuck.

Where's Karkat?

:o(

A/N: I apologize for OOCness and any errors, grammar/spelling, or canon wise within the contents of this fanfiction. Please feel free to leave a review! Spectrum is outtie! Peace.


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